Women and Infidelity Can this marriage be saved? Think twice or three times before leaping into another guy's arms. Maybe you've considered it. Maybe you're in it.
Today's women are acting on the urge, more than ever before, a new survey reveals. One in five married women has had a fling -- the highest numbers ever recorded, according to one group of researchers. In fact, the numbers of cheating wives now equals the statistics on cheating husbands, according to a study by Tom W.
Smith with the National Opinion Research Center. In these Sex and the City days, that's hardly startling. They're not getting what they want out of their marriage ," says David Kaplan, PhD, a marriage counselor with 15 years under his belt, and now a spokesperson for the American Counseling Association.
The workplace, working out , the Internet -- women have more sexual opportunities than ever before. With better salaries and no children, the stakes seem low if they are caught. Here's what some shared: To be fair, I didn't pay her enough attention or affection. Though I didn't know why at the time, I was very closed off and introverted.
I don't think I knew how to be in a good relationship. I am not proud of it, but I got married young and hubby wasn't paying any attention to me. I worked hour days to come home every night to be by myself.
The morning came when he went to work and I left for three days. Can't say I had a miserable time but now that I have kids, I wouldn't do it again. We went to counseling and now are happy with two kids. We used to meet almost every day while she was at work and we would just walk around the park where no one would know. It remained sexual for about four months. I finally ended the relationship. I felt guilty lying to his wife If they're physically attracted to someone else, they may act on it," she tells WebMD.
Not that every woman is unfaithful, says Kaslow. But many, many don't. When you wait to get married when you're older and more mature, you make a better choice of the appropriate person, and you may be more engaged in the relationship.
His "affair" with his work or some other passion like sports may turn her into a cheating wife. If she finds someone who helps them feel good about themselves, who does those small things, says the right things, it's very seductive, very appealing," Kaslow explains. A married couple's views of their roles may clash: He wants a "traditional" she-cooks-dinner marriage. She prefers the gym after a stressful workday -- not the kitchen.
Both styles of marriage can work. When that's not resolved, it's likely someone will be frustrated," says Kaplan. Their emotional relationship can also be problematic.
If they're joined-at-the-hip constantly, they may be smothering each other's identity. If they are too "distant" and independent, they will likely seek a bond with someone else, he adds.
In fact, all couples have problems, Kaplan says. But couples who have warm, supportive feelings for each other -- and express those feelings -- will stay married.
One large study looked at this issue. All the couples had problems. The difference was the number of positive statements they made about each other. There's a very specific ratio -- three positive things for one negative. If your marriage is getting dusty and rusty -- if another guy has caught your eye -- think twice, three times, then think again before you act on it, advises Kaplan.
Your "need" for an affair has nothing to do with that new guy, he says. That person represents the needs that you want fulfilled. This is about problems in your marriage, what you're not getting from your marriage. But it doesn't always mean they have to end the relationship. I have seen affairs become a painful wake-up call. It takes a long time to rebuild trust. I have seen couples get past affairs, but it's hard.
It's a good time to get a marriage counselor involved," advises Kaplan. Will your marriage weather an affair? But after an affair, it's really hard to build that kind of foundation.
One will seek attention elsewhere. It's a human need," Kaslow says. The essence of "working on a relationship" is to talk more often -- and more honestly, says Kaplan. Frustrated enough, they may look for someone they don't have that conflict with. While parents often say the kids don't know about the affair, they will know something's wrong, Kaslow tells WebMD.
They have fewer strategies in working out problems, in getting their needs met. An affair complicates things greatly. Then you're dealing with the lack of trust, the emotional repercussions. If you're trying to send a wake-up call to your husband, an affair is not the way.