Comments Your fantasies are always with you, playing hide-and-seek with your perceived realities, whispering wild ideas into your inner ear, showing movies in your mind, stirring your passions mysteriously, yet so powerfully. If you are imprisoned in any way—by your work, your family, your education, your religion, your government—your fantasies become your freedom.
Sometimes your ability to fantasize is the only freedom you have. Where does fantasy end and reality begin? Hope, anticipation, fear and ambition are fantasies that look toward the future.
A sexual fantasy can be a long, complicated story, a quick mental flash of erotic imagery or something in between. Whatever form it takes, it arouses your sexual feelings. As such, your favorite fantasy is the G-spot of your mind. Experts agree that sexual fantasies are important, powerful and pervasive. If you look hard enough, you can find a study to prove any theory about sexual fantasies and another one to disprove it. Maybe this is because it is very difficult to measure fantasies except through questionnaires, and it is so easy and tempting to lie on questionnaires, especially when it comes to opening up about our deepest, darkest, most embarrassing, secret sexual fantasies.
Therefore, I will not use many studies to justify my points here. The Perfect Lover The most popular sexual fantasies among men and women involve images of sex with a passionate, attractive, exciting partner who will do whatever you want, even if that means dominating you. Your Perfect Lover could be someone you know; it could even be your real-life partner. It could be someone you saw in class or at work but never talk to, a celebrity with whom you feel a connection, or a complete stranger you happened to face for two intense minutes in a crowded elevator.
It could be someone that would be your ideal mate, if only you could be together. Or it could be someone very taboo: Perfect Lovers run the gamut, but the universal characteristic is that you find this person irresistible and extremely satisfying, at least in fantasy. Even very traditional ladies who prefer romance to porn enjoy the fantasy of the Perfect Lover. While such a scenario might involve nothing more than kissing, Perfect Lover fantasies can entail sexual intercourse in every position.
Oral sex giving or receiving is a big favorite, followed by manual sex, anal sex giving or receiving and mutual masturbation. In addition to these basic physical sex acts, there are many other types of sex about which you might fantasize, especially if you feel deprived of a particular favorite activity.
Your Perfect Lover will never deprive you…unless you have a deprivation fetish. Maybe you fantasize that your real-life lover is aggressive even though he or she is usually passive, or the two of you are being watched, or perhaps you imagine yourself watching your lover have sex with someone else.
This brings us to the next most popular type of fantasy… 2. Two Perfect Lovers—Or More! Double your pleasure, double your fun; sex with two lovers is more fun than one!
The threesome is another very common sexual fantasy. The male standard is sex with two women, of course—often a girlfriend and another lady.
Of course, these are not man-hating lesbians; in fact, they love your penis! More and more men now also confess that they fantasize about having a threesome with a woman and another man. Threesome fantasies can be so vivid, especially if one of the partners is your real-life lover, that many people try breathing life into them.
The resulting reality spans from having a beautiful experience which enhances your relationship, as well as your sense of your sexual self, to an awful, awkward incident that hurts everyone involved. One thing is for certain: Reality, however, is not quite so in tune with what turns you on, let alone what turns on your real-life partner or the third party.
A threesome can become an orgy, which is another common sexual fantasy. One way to keep sexual monogamy from becoming monotony is to maintain an active fantasy life with as many different partners as you can imagine. I happen to have a personal soft spot for real-life orgies, holding them regularly at my Institute, giving me and everyone here not just the chance to live out a common fantasy, but the opportunity to experience real-life communal ecstasy.
Or maybe your erotic theater of the mind will just combine the male and female into one and imagine sex with a pre-op transsexual or shemale. Same sex fantasies can signify a lot of different things for people who lead mostly straight real lives—from seeking personal validation to breaking societal taboos.
But now that more women are creating porn and erotica, making it more romantic—that is, story and character-driven—younger women are unabashedly eating it up. Modern ladies also seem to have an easier time accepting their bi-curious fantasies than most men do.
There are various sociopolitical, cultural, psychological and physical reasons for this. Our society is more homophobic than lesbian-phobic. Then there are the real-life, physical risks which tend to be greater between men, since penetration is more often involved, than between women. When men fantasize about other men, they tend to focus on one part: Usually, they envision a big one.
At least, a lot of men do. Certainly, Freud himself did. Even, perhaps especially, the outwardly homophobic male has gay fantasies. Our society tends to make things black or white, good or bad, male or female, heterosexual or homosexual. But the human sexual imagination is most definitely bisexual, even what you might call omnisexual. Very few of us fall at one extreme or the other. Most of us are bisexual to some degree. It just means most of us can potentially, under the right circumstances boarding school, prison, a desert island, etc.
They can be crude or romantic, marvelous or dangerous. Power is a rush, especially in fantasy. You get to do whatever you want to the sex object of your dreams.
What more could you desire? Many people pursue physical power over others in real life, often entering political, police or military careers. Others prefer to go on their power trips in their erotic imagination. But why do people long to submit?
As a therapist, I hear many more fantasies of submission than dominance, from both men and women. In their erotic imaginations, and sometimes in a real-life role-playing session with a dominatrix, they surrender control for a brief period in their busy, power-packed day or week. Since society puts so much pressure on us to achieve—and achieving is hard work—deep in our secret erotic imaginations, many high-achievers long to surrender.
Usually, your fantasy rapist is a kind of Perfect Lover, someone you would actually be thrilled to have sex with in real life. Though, of course, it is your fantasy mind that creates the rapist and everything he or she does. Whether you are being raped, ravished, abducted, tied up, spanked, teased, forced to dress like a slut or led around on a leash as the slave of a powerful, sexy Master or Mistress, in a submission fantasy, you get to be made to do or get what you secretly desire.
Men and women probably fantasize with equal passion about sexual surrender. This may or may not overlap with cross-dressing or transgender fantasies. I could go on and on about the many different types of sexual surrender and submission that people enjoy.
Exhibitionism and Voyeurism Another common fantasy combo is seeing and being seen, showing off and watching the show, exhibitionism and voyeurism.
But most exhibitionism and voyeurism is about the joy of the erotic gaze and the thrill of being gazed upon, breaking through the strong social taboo of visual privacy. We love to watch. There are obviously enough people who love to be watched that there are plenty of porn stars and strippers. Those are extreme professions to be in, but in fantasy you can do it all and bare it all before thousands or in forbidden places.
Marilyn Monroe is said to have had recurring dreams in which she stripped off all her clothes in a church as a stunned congregation silently worshipped her naked beauty. With the advent of reality shows, erotic blogs and obsessive, sexy photo-posting on social networking communities, exhibitionism and voyeurism are busting through the erotic theater of the mind and into that half-way house between fantasy and reality: In our society, we tend to think of exhibitionism as female and voyeurism as male.
After all, due to the hot politics of cold cash, most strip clubs have female performers for male customers and the great majority of straight sex magazines and websites have pictures of women for men to admire. You can post anything on the Internet but, still, women tend to be the ones who get paid for sex as a stripper, prostitute, porn star, mistress or other sexual performer.
Most people would say the He-Pays-To-Watch-Her scenario is the natural relationship between male and female, but is it?
They desperately want to show themselves off, with special emphasis on their taboo penises that are so forbidden everywhere except hardcore porn. Clothed Female, Naked Male. Animals and Angels Your wild erotic nature may emerge in animal fantasies.
You may just revel in the ultra-taboo, bestial wildness. Of course, real-life bestiality is appalling to most people.
But animal sex fantasies connect you to your animal nature, often freeing your mind from the all-too-human sexual oppression that lurks within you. On the other end of the sexual fantasy spectrum lies the spiritual. You might fantasize about an Eros angel with wings to take you flying. Dreams of flying are often considered symbols of orgasm. You might imagine a divine threesome with you, your lawfully wedded spouse and the all-embracing presence of God or the Goddess. These are the most basic types of secret sexual fantasies.
Where Do Fantasies Come From? Your fantasies begin in the cradle, perhaps even in the womb. By the time you reach your teens, they get really intense. Many of your erotic fantasies stem from early memories, the first images you find arousing. If for no other reason than constant proximity, these images often come through interactions with family: But most people who have incest fantasies have never acted on them.