Most guys in the world are straight. If you like men, it's only a matter of time until you're going to find a straight one attractive; they're all over the place. Under most circumstances, this doesn't have to be a big deal. You see a guy you like, you realize quickly enough that he's straight, and you move on.
Some of us might not want to give up so easily, however. Though it's probably not the best idea, some people let their feelings take over, and they become infatuated with a specific straight guy. Others have a strange attraction exclusively to straight guys, which makes dating other gay and bi guys difficult.
So you may be asking yourself: How do you make a straight guy gay? Can you get a straight guy to be more flexible with his preferences?
Even if you could, would it be worth it? Wouldn't it just lead to tons of drama? There are no easy answers to this. Some might be tempted to dismiss the possibility of heteroflexibility and tell you to leave the straight guy alone, but a lot of people's orientations are more complicated than just a "straight or gay" dynamic.
That's what we'll explore in this article. Could the guy you like actually be bi? As you might imagine, it's much easier to get a "straight" guy to like you if he's not straight at all! Lots of us make assumptions about people's orientations. If he's dated girls before, you might assume he's straight without even thinking of the possibility that he could be open to getting it on with guys as well. You may not even have any idea about his romantic life, but assumed he doesn't like men because he "acts straight.
Did you make automatic assumptions like these with no real evidence? If so, then for all you know, he could be bi or even gay! Though the only way to know for sure if a guy is bi or bi-curious is by asking him, there are some vague signs that you can look for to clue you in early on: He hangs out with men who you know are gay or bi.
He has mentioned before that he is sexually adventurous and willing to try new things. He has asked you to take him to a gay club. Lots of straight people are interested in going to gay clubs, though, so this is relatively minor. He asks you detailed questions about what gay guys do to hook up, where they go, and so on. He asks odd questions like whether it's gay to do X, Y, or Z things with a guy, or whether it's gay if you only do it once, and so on.
He tells you stories about hookups that he's had with men in the past. If he's telling you this, there's a good chance that he wants a repeat--and probably with you. You notice that he has a profile on gay hookup websites or apps.
This one is pretty obvious. He brings up the subject of your being gay a lot. He frequently goes out of his way to deny that he's gay. If this is the case, you may want to steer clear anyway. He may be in denial, and he could get violent if you make a move. This is the only way to know for sure, but unfortunately you might have to beat around the bush to work it out of him.
Many bisexual guys will automatically deny that they like guys if you ask, almost as a reflex. You have to first show that you're cool with him and that you're not going to be judgmental of his orientation. You might wonder why he might be worried about judgement coming from a gay guy, but it definitely exists.
Lots of people deny the existence of bisexual men, and insist that they're just secretly gay and in denial. Gay men in particularly are guilty of this. If he thinks that you're going to just roll your eyes and make assumptions about him, or try to push him to be "more gay," then he'll insist that he's straight. Another problem is indiscretion. He might be totally fine having sex with closeted men, but could understandably be turned off by very "out" gay men.
He might assume that if you're out and obvious about your gayness, that you will think nothing of telling the world about his preferences, too. Some people might say that it's immature for him to have this attitude and that he should just be proud of who he is, but that's exactly the problem: As a bisexual man, when you are outed, usually several annoying things happen: People assume that you're gay, even though it's not true. Both straight and gay people will do this.
People assume that since you're "gay," you are going to exhibit all of the gay stereotypes. Again, both straight and gay people will make these assumptions.
Now that you are "gay" and are a living stereotype, people will treat you differently. This doesn't mean that he's necessarily justified in being closeted, but you can at least understand why he would be hesitant to be open about his bisexuality to someone who he thinks will spread it around.
He will instantly be treated differently by people because of the stigma, and he will probably be treated like something he's not. Straight pillows on a straight bed. Wide Open Have you ever met a "straight" guy who was open and public about his experimentation with guys? See results How to Get a "Straight" Guy to Admit That He Likes You So once you have a pretty good idea that the guy you like might be bisexual, you have to make him feel comfortable to confide this in you.
It doesn't have to be with words--he could just jump your bones as a demonstration--but there does usually need to be some kind of trust between you before anything happens.
How do you get a "straight" guy or one who identifies this way in public to trust you enough to show you his bi side, though? As we discussed above, you're going to have to show him that you're no threat to his social life and that you're not going to create drama for him.
You need to communicate that: Anything that happens between the two of you stays between the two of you. You don't expect him to identify in any particular way. You aren't going to force labels on him or pester him about whether he is bi or gay. If he says he is straight while he's in bed with you, then he is straight. You are not judgmental.
You won't react negatively when he expresses his desires, even if you don't share them and you turn some of his requests down. You won't judge him for wanting to keep your interactions discreet. You respect his boundaries. You won't try to force yourself on him. You won't try to make him do things he's not comfortable with. You don't see him as a "conquest.
You won't gloat about it to him, either. Don't turn your interaction into a competition between his straightness and your gayness. Even if you agree with all of what is listed above, it would of course be silly to go down every bullet point, explaining yourself at length. That's why it's better not to explain directly, but rather to let him draw conclusions from your example. To show that you're discreet, never mention any names if you talk about how you've hooked up with straight men before.
Emphasize how you value discretion and kept everything that happened to yourself. To show that you're not looking to challenge his identity, tell him that you're not into labels.
Explain how you think sexuality doesn't fit into boxes, and that the things we do during hookups don't have to mean anything. Show that you don't judge him for anything by not acting surprised or bothered when he expresses an unusual opinion or confides a secret desire. Act like it's no big deal. Show that you respect his boundaries by never pushing him into something he doesn't want. Don't insist that he "try" something that he has no interest in, and don't pester him.
Be sensitive to his hesitation and let him lead. Make it clear that you don't see him as a conquest or as a man who you successfully "turned," by treating him as an equal and emphasizing how your interactions are all about fun and being in the moment.
They don't need to mean anything about who he is. Work this information subtly into your conversations. Demonstrate these traits through your behavior. For example, if he notices that you're not a gossip and are not constantly talking about other people's business to him, he will trust you more. Spend time with him, try to build a friendship, and wait. If you have laid this groundwork, and he really does like you in a sexual way, then soon enough the opportunity to act on it will present itself.
Most guys who identify as straight aren't going to want to run off into the gay sunset with you. Keep this in mind. While you're trying to get this straight guy comfortable with you, you might also want to ask yourself a few more questions: What is your goal with this, ultimately? What kind of relationship are you looking for?