Sign Up Don't have an account? Tweet this There are many factors that make a marriage a happy one. Besides the inexplicable love, before we decide to spend our lives with someone we look for understanding, compassion, common interests, chemistry, friendship, support, vision of life, goals, dreams.
The list is endless. This is what sex does. I often say that only great sex can help a horrible relationship last, but consistently horrible sex is guaranteed to end a great relationship fast.
Obviously you have had a good sex life at some point, after all you married each other. Responsibilities grew, kids came, mortgages that have to be paid, financial issues, even physical changes entered your calm existence—all to stay.
Or, horror of horrors, both! You may find some consolation in the fact that you are NOT alone. The National Opinion Research Center recently reported that the average American couple has sex 66 times a year.
While one group of scientists are busy exploring just how little sex we have, others are busy exploring how important sex is for a happy relationship, hoping they will motivate us. Take Adena Galinsky and Linda J. These researchers from the University of Chicago went out of their way, interviewing couples between the ages of 57 and 85 to prove that it is important for marital quality to stay engaged in sexual activity even while experiencing health problems and other physical challenges.
Yes, they write about it in Cosmopolitan and the Internet is full of funny info-graphics, but the truth is it is still difficult for married people to share their problems in the bedroom. Talking about it with one another or with a professional is often out of the question. Sex in Marriage Myth 1: Having sex is not like winning the lottery. It depends on you and your partner to do it. This doubt helps you in repeatedly making the decision to have sex now rather than later, because later the possibility may be gone.
Have you noticed that fear is a great motivator? The ball is always in your court. Other factors change but if your relationship is a priority, you will make it a must to have a good sex life. This means finding the energy, the time, the place and the way to do it and enjoy it. In fact, the different phases of a married life offer a great variety of experiences, if you can use them right. Here is what Leah Heffer, a married mother of two, shares: The thrill of experiencing new moves and demonstrating yours is gone.
But guess what—the fear of embarrassment, of whether or not they will call you after, of whether or not sex will be good is also gone. The less fear, the more fun. You are at the point where sharing what you really want is perfectly okay. In fact, if you are not often suggesting fantasies or new places, you are just not making the best of your marriage. Many married people say that sex gets better with time. Sex when you are attracted is good. Sex when you are in love is great.
But sex when you know each other, trust each other and adore each other enough to get married is out of this world ah-mazing! Anyone who has had all three will confirm my words. Maybe you let all that ruin your sex life. Quite the opposite really, you should always do what you can to keep yourself attractive.
However, what you can do now and what you could do before are two whole different dimensions. Chemistry is chemistry and does not care about details. But it can affect your sex life in a negative way. The reasons are twofold. First of all, motherhood requires constant attention and complete devotion. We will give specific tips about how to do that later in this piece. The second reason is something many couples are ashamed to talk about.
As usual, in this matter too it all depends on your focus. If you chose to see this as a problem, then it will be a problem and will come to stay. If you chose to see it as another challenge, which could be quite fun to overcome, you have nothing to worry about. Discuss it with your spouse and try to find new ways to make it work together. Also, for all the ladies out there, do your Kegel exercises.
When we talk about time, there is something I read once that blew my mind and made me experience the world in a whole new way: Many people miss that and hey, I was one of them.
Spending five minutes to teach your kid to tie their shoes is much more valuable than spending five hours watching TV together. Prioritizing your work in a way that will give you the best long-term results for the least effort is often what smart people do.
The 10 minutes you spent arguing about who would do the dishes could have been spent having sex. The great thing about the quality strategy is not only that it leaves you with more time, it also leaves you with more energy. Because when you focus on what you believe is important, that is a success and we build on success. Success gives us energy. It often happens so that the man wants more sex and the woman wants less, but in my career as a coach I have seen the opposite too.
With time, confusion builds and creates certain beliefs. On the other hand, the person who genuinely needs more sex feels like they are not attractive enough to get it. The truth is nobody wants too much or too little of anything. Everybody wants exactly what they want. And if in time you find it differs, maybe you can talk it out and find a way to meet in the middle. The International Business Times stated that the magical number is We hope that after busting those few very popular myths about sex in a marriage, you will change your mindset and start seeing sex for what it really is: In fact, there are innovators out there that propose we use sex as a tool for overcoming marriage ruts and they do it in a very straightforward way: Sweating together must not necessarily happen between the sheets.
Exercising side-by-side offers amazing benefits: It gives you quality time together. It keeps you accountable for doing sports. Supporting each other in doing that even when one of you feels like laying on the couch watching TV will build up the trust and credibility in the relationship. Plus, you can always share the shower afterwards. While this is a tip mainly for the ladies, it could well be given to the gentlemen as well.
Wearing beautiful underwear is a treat not just for our bodies, but for our confidence as well and it all starts with the experience of buying it. A couple of years ago, in a San Diego store a girl told me I was wearing the wrong bra size. It may sound funny, but it changed the way I look forever! Also, their dressing rooms are beautifully decorated and the lightning is flattering enough to make you feel like a queen.
So you better be sure when I wear what I buy there, the state of a queen comes back to haunt me and neither me, nor my husband mind. Now how about we change all that? As long as you are not flashing it at strangers, red underwear is just the right amount of slutty and you can always get some black shirts too. I support you in being you. But how about being a better version of you? Underwear is a great way to start.
And I guarantee your husband will enjoy the transformation. Change roles, change routines: Before your raise a judgmental eyebrow, hold your horses.
The role playing I refer to does not require purchasing any kind of uniforms. Though if you are into it, go for it. What I mean is shifting your roles in the bedroom on a very basic level. In every relationship, there is one who is more sexually active and another, who is agreeing or not agreeing to sex. Why not change that up a bit? There is also a certain routine, be it gentle or a bit more rough. There are also a few favorite poses. Why not change that a bit? Get the best of a night out: What do girls do before a night out?
Chose a nice dress, do your hair, pluck your eyebrows and put on make up. Did I get it right?