Make your sex life better. 10 Secrets to a Better Love Life.



Make your sex life better

Make your sex life better

Revitalize your sex life with these 10 tips. Morgan Griffin From the WebMD Archives Most of us can remember the hot -- and frequent -- spicy moments when the romance was new with our partner.

But eventually the fire of a good love life may die down. Over time, the sexy nightie languishes hidden in the sock drawer, the massage oil gathers dust next to the athlete's foot powder in the medicine cabinet, and you and your partner have what feels like a humdrum sexual life. So what is the secret to a better love life that lasts? We asked for some suggestions from two experts on sexuality -- Michael Castleman, author of Great Sex: Make Dates Castleman and Weston are in firm agreement that couples that have been together for a while need to plan time for sex.

But set aside that time. Isn't sex supposed to be spontaneous? Rare is the lover with a daily planner fetish, after all. But Castleman has a blunt response. People make plans for other things they enjoy, like ski trips or dinners out. Continued "And instead of champagne and oysters on the half shell with a sweeping view of Lake Tahoe as your reward, you've got your same old crummy house and peanut butter and jelly and that's about it," he says. It's not exactly conducive to an exciting sex life.

It can be hard to give into the moment when you're having sex in your all-too-familiar bedroom. Did I remember to set the alarm clock? How much will it cost to repair that water damage on the ceiling? And that can be hard in a room where you've always got grandma's picture smiling down on you. It doesn't have to be a fabulous spot by the ocean, or at least it not every time. A non-descript place off the Interstate might be just fine. Redecorate the Bedroom Of course, having a sex life that's wholly dependent on trysts at hotels and overnight babysitters may be a problem if you're not fabulously wealthy, childless, and unemployed.

So in addition to some trips away, make some changes at home. Lighting some candles is an obvious suggestion.

But maybe getting a nicer set of sheets and a new bedspread will make a difference. Also, removing some of the junk -- the kids' toys, the piles of laundry -- that tends to accumulate in a bedroom out can have an effect. Think about ditching the bedroom TV, too, or at least trying life without it for a while.

But for some people, those fantasies can be buried pretty deep. If your partner were to turn to you tonight and say, "What's your ultimate sexual fantasy? If you're not sure, you're not alone. But figuring out what you want is key to having a better love life. So give it a little effort. Weston observes that there are plenty of tools out there to help: Once you've come up with some ideas, telling your partner about them could be fun for both of you.

You need to ask your partner the same questions that you've asked yourself. What does your partner want from your love life? According to Weston and Castleman, one of the most common complaints they hear is that one partner wants to have sex more than the other. Some people may huffily assume that they just have higher sex drives than their partners do. But maybe your partner is looking for something different out of your love life but hasn't felt able to ask.

So bring up the subject. Talking openly might bring you closer to one another, and that's likely to make sex more interesting for both of you. Try Something New Trying something new in the bedroom is a pretty obvious suggestion for attaining a better love life, but it's one that many people have trouble following. But that's not the case. You don't want to rock the boat.

This can mean all sorts of things -- maybe lingerie, massage, sex toys and so on -- and trying something new doesn't have to be outrageous. But there are a lot less wild ways of experimenting with something new. Just take a risk, even if it's a little one. For instance, thanks to the efforts of pharmaceutical companies and late night comics, there aren't many people left in the country who aren't aware of medications for erectile dysfunction.

Of course, that doesn't mean that everyone who needs help is getting it. According to Castleman, many women complain about vaginal dryness during sex, which can be painful. But the important thing is not to muddle through with problems that are making your sex life worse.

Don't settle for a mediocre sex life. And finally, Weston is quick to point out that no matter what you've heard, drugs for erectile dysfunction do nothing to increase a person's sex drive. Continued Go Slowly Some couples find that, the longer they're together, the briefer and more businesslike their sexual encounters can become. Castleman likens it to navigating a new neighborhood.

When you move to a new place, you're always trying out different routes to get to the supermarket or the hardware store. But after time, you decide on the fastest route and only take that one.

The same thing happens to couples as they become more familiar with each other sexually. But the fastest, most efficient route is definitely not what you want in the bedroom. Focusing on the destination -- and only the obvious parts of the anatomy -- is the worst thing you can do, he says. But Castleman says that many men find that their sexual problems -- such as premature ejaculation -- subside when they learn to take their time.

Feeling like you "should" be having a better love life is probably universal. It explains the vast number of titles about sex in the self-help section of the bookstore, and the constancy of articles about sex advertised on magazine covers at the checkout counter or why so many people click on articles with titles like, say, "10 Secrets to a Better Love Life.

So how often "should" you have sex? In the same way, people can fall into a sexual rut, a "blah" love life, unless they're making an effort to keep things exciting. You should expect that some attempts will fall flat. A stab at a sexual role-play may be rendered ridiculous by an ill-timed call and rambling answering machine message from your mother-in-law.

Or maybe the aromatic candles make you sneeze violently. Trying something new is always putting you at risk of failure. But the important thing is to keep trying anyway.

Don't let self-consciousness make you play it safe. You should never accept a just average love life. So there they are: But, you may exclaim, I think I've heard some of these before. It's a fair point. For instance, upon reading that communication is important for a healthy love life, there is no person in America who will smack her forehead and say, "Golly, and all this time I thought not communicating was the right idea!

Or at least they aren't secrets like the purpose of Stonehenge or the fate of Amelia Earhart. We've read the magazines, and watched the daytime talk shows. Many of us know what we're supposed to do to have a better love life. But if we already know this stuff, why do we keep buying the magazines and watching the TV shows that tell us what we already know?

Ultimately, our good intentions fail and we lapse back into lazy habits. We let the other stuff in life take over. So the most important suggestion for a better love life is probably the last one: Making a consistent effort is the key.

Michael Castleman, author, Great Sex:

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Make your sex life better

Revitalize your sex life with these 10 tips. Morgan Griffin From the WebMD Archives Most of us can remember the hot -- and frequent -- spicy moments when the romance was new with our partner. But eventually the fire of a good love life may die down.

Over time, the sexy nightie languishes hidden in the sock drawer, the massage oil gathers dust next to the athlete's foot powder in the medicine cabinet, and you and your partner have what feels like a humdrum sexual life.

So what is the secret to a better love life that lasts? We asked for some suggestions from two experts on sexuality -- Michael Castleman, author of Great Sex: Make Dates Castleman and Weston are in firm agreement that couples that have been together for a while need to plan time for sex.

But set aside that time. Isn't sex supposed to be spontaneous? Rare is the lover with a daily planner fetish, after all. But Castleman has a blunt response. People make plans for other things they enjoy, like ski trips or dinners out.

Continued "And instead of champagne and oysters on the half shell with a sweeping view of Lake Tahoe as your reward, you've got your same old crummy house and peanut butter and jelly and that's about it," he says. It's not exactly conducive to an exciting sex life. It can be hard to give into the moment when you're having sex in your all-too-familiar bedroom. Did I remember to set the alarm clock? How much will it cost to repair that water damage on the ceiling?

And that can be hard in a room where you've always got grandma's picture smiling down on you. It doesn't have to be a fabulous spot by the ocean, or at least it not every time. A non-descript place off the Interstate might be just fine.

Redecorate the Bedroom Of course, having a sex life that's wholly dependent on trysts at hotels and overnight babysitters may be a problem if you're not fabulously wealthy, childless, and unemployed. So in addition to some trips away, make some changes at home. Lighting some candles is an obvious suggestion. But maybe getting a nicer set of sheets and a new bedspread will make a difference.

Also, removing some of the junk -- the kids' toys, the piles of laundry -- that tends to accumulate in a bedroom out can have an effect. Think about ditching the bedroom TV, too, or at least trying life without it for a while.

But for some people, those fantasies can be buried pretty deep. If your partner were to turn to you tonight and say, "What's your ultimate sexual fantasy? If you're not sure, you're not alone. But figuring out what you want is key to having a better love life.

So give it a little effort. Weston observes that there are plenty of tools out there to help: Once you've come up with some ideas, telling your partner about them could be fun for both of you. You need to ask your partner the same questions that you've asked yourself. What does your partner want from your love life? According to Weston and Castleman, one of the most common complaints they hear is that one partner wants to have sex more than the other.

Some people may huffily assume that they just have higher sex drives than their partners do. But maybe your partner is looking for something different out of your love life but hasn't felt able to ask. So bring up the subject. Talking openly might bring you closer to one another, and that's likely to make sex more interesting for both of you. Try Something New Trying something new in the bedroom is a pretty obvious suggestion for attaining a better love life, but it's one that many people have trouble following.

But that's not the case. You don't want to rock the boat. This can mean all sorts of things -- maybe lingerie, massage, sex toys and so on -- and trying something new doesn't have to be outrageous. But there are a lot less wild ways of experimenting with something new.

Just take a risk, even if it's a little one. For instance, thanks to the efforts of pharmaceutical companies and late night comics, there aren't many people left in the country who aren't aware of medications for erectile dysfunction. Of course, that doesn't mean that everyone who needs help is getting it. According to Castleman, many women complain about vaginal dryness during sex, which can be painful.

But the important thing is not to muddle through with problems that are making your sex life worse. Don't settle for a mediocre sex life. And finally, Weston is quick to point out that no matter what you've heard, drugs for erectile dysfunction do nothing to increase a person's sex drive.

Continued Go Slowly Some couples find that, the longer they're together, the briefer and more businesslike their sexual encounters can become. Castleman likens it to navigating a new neighborhood. When you move to a new place, you're always trying out different routes to get to the supermarket or the hardware store. But after time, you decide on the fastest route and only take that one. The same thing happens to couples as they become more familiar with each other sexually.

But the fastest, most efficient route is definitely not what you want in the bedroom. Focusing on the destination -- and only the obvious parts of the anatomy -- is the worst thing you can do, he says. But Castleman says that many men find that their sexual problems -- such as premature ejaculation -- subside when they learn to take their time.

Feeling like you "should" be having a better love life is probably universal. It explains the vast number of titles about sex in the self-help section of the bookstore, and the constancy of articles about sex advertised on magazine covers at the checkout counter or why so many people click on articles with titles like, say, "10 Secrets to a Better Love Life.

So how often "should" you have sex? In the same way, people can fall into a sexual rut, a "blah" love life, unless they're making an effort to keep things exciting. You should expect that some attempts will fall flat. A stab at a sexual role-play may be rendered ridiculous by an ill-timed call and rambling answering machine message from your mother-in-law. Or maybe the aromatic candles make you sneeze violently.

Trying something new is always putting you at risk of failure. But the important thing is to keep trying anyway. Don't let self-consciousness make you play it safe. You should never accept a just average love life. So there they are: But, you may exclaim, I think I've heard some of these before. It's a fair point. For instance, upon reading that communication is important for a healthy love life, there is no person in America who will smack her forehead and say, "Golly, and all this time I thought not communicating was the right idea!

Or at least they aren't secrets like the purpose of Stonehenge or the fate of Amelia Earhart. We've read the magazines, and watched the daytime talk shows. Many of us know what we're supposed to do to have a better love life.

But if we already know this stuff, why do we keep buying the magazines and watching the TV shows that tell us what we already know? Ultimately, our good intentions fail and we lapse back into lazy habits.

We let the other stuff in life take over. So the most important suggestion for a better love life is probably the last one: Making a consistent effort is the key. Michael Castleman, author, Great Sex:

Make your sex life better

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4 Comments

  1. Use these freely to avoid painful sex—a problem that can snowball into flagging libido and growing relationship tensions. Privacy concerns and Internet use The Internet is a valuable source of all types of information, including books and other products such as sex toys that can enhance your sex life.

  2. According to the Guardian, a recent survey found that couples who argued frequently were 10 times happier than those that avoided conflict. Talking to your partner Many couples find it difficult to talk about sex even under the best of circumstances.

  3. Or try relaxation techniques such as deep breathing exercises or yoga. Try sex toys and sexy lingerie if you never have before. But if we already know this stuff, why do we keep buying the magazines and watching the TV shows that tell us what we already know?

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