He responded that men wanted to know the bra trick and probably how to get her interested and how to make it good for her—they wanted someone with a manual to share the important secrets. Here are five tips to help. Romance opens her heart and eventually her legs. When you think about a Thanksgiving feast, you probably think about snitching crisp turkey skin right off the bird straight out the oven, creamy mashed potatoes dripping with gravy, luscious spicy pumpkin pie mounded with whipped cream, and eating so much you have to loosen the belt.
Chances are your wife has already started to plan that delicious menu. She likes to eat, too. Pottery Barn catalogs are being pored over as she plans her own table settings. Candles have already made the shopping list so everything will be perfect. My point is while you may be thinking about eating, your wife is thinking about the whole ritual of the day, the romance of the gathering—connection, beauty , and light.
Women like to feel deeply connected before they turn on sexually. The setting, the build-up, the relationship all work together to make the moment work for her.
These things do matter to her. Right, I tell them as I defend you. Men compartmentalize to the task at hand. Women think more like the web—everything links to everything.
Compartmentalizing works for you when it comes to sex because you can focus and enjoy, but it works against you when it comes to providing some forethought to the moment.
Flowers sitting on the counter provide relational constancy for a woman. Object constancy is a developmental milestone. When you hide the ball behind your back and your baby remembers and tries to find it; he has achieved object constancy.
He remembers the ball when it disappears. Relational constancy means we feel secure even if our partner is absent or preoccupied. Gifts and flowers are like transitional objects standing in for your presence. You go to work, travel, get busy, and she remembers you still love her.
Romance is like exercise. I brought you flowers, so I should get sex tonight. Exercise creates a healthy body. Make it about her, not about being horny. Forget the bump and cup. If she likes to be touched first, start generic. Look her in the eyes. Tell her you want to make love to her. Show her that all you want is her. Be vulnerable instead of nonchalant. Maybe this seems like splitting hairs.
You think she should know you want her. Seemingly no matter what you do, initiation results in the same answer—no. But all things have to work together. Marshal all these sex tips for a coordinated effort. Think about creating a climate verses an event. From a dead start i. They take about 20 minutes of very general caressing to change from willing to have sex to wanting to have sex. Then, they take another 20 minutes of genital stimulation to reach orgasm. Usually this is unsatisfying to men because they want a responsive partner.
Compared to you she takes a very long time. Her hormonal funding of testosterone , a hormone in both men and women that governs physiological craving for sex, can be as low as th of yours. Think about weightlifting with and without steroids. Parents of teenage girls are afraid of the 1, level, and at , a guy often seeks a sex therapist for low desire. Her experience in her body is markedly different that your experience.
Testosterone also governs her rate of arousal. You probably have fantastic ideas about how to spice sex up. The best time to suggest something new is not on the car ride home but after she is very aroused. At that point her modesty is lower, her inhibition has dropped, and she is the most open to your suggestion. You can help by not lording it over her in the morning debrief.
For some reason, some women experience shame when their vulnerable experimentation if recounted. Women are often socialized to be the brakes, not the engine, of sexual desire. Many of your ideas include acts, positions, or fantasies about things they would be willing to try.
Unfortunately, they are afraid that one thing might lead to another—meaning one deviation from the norm might lead to deviancy. Reassure her of your own boundaries so that she will relax. If you want to tell her your fantasies but know that they will always remain in fantasy only i. If you know you have fantasies that she would never consent to, prove you know her and say that. Tell her you respectfully submit the ideas for exploration in fantasy only. The exception to my above advice: She will stop trusting to let down her guard and become aroused with you.
Those discussions should take place outside the bedroom. Know 20 different touch techniques. The masseuse works each side of the back with perfect symmetry. Every muscle is kneaded. Touches are measured and planned to deepen relaxation. There is enough repetition for the recipient to rest and enough change to keep it interesting.
He should know each part with lights on and with a reach in the dark. A good lover has at least 20 different touches to use. The two primary variants are pressure and friction and a combination of the two. You may find that she only wants the same ole' touch over and over. You may find that you are almost out of options.
She is the only one who can know what feels good at any given moment. Know only two or three touches or rush the process? Then, the lack of progress might be your fault.
Gentle encouragement to tell you her preferences will help. If you have many touches in your repertoire, the odds increase that you can please her even when she is having a tough night relaxing. Do research different touches orally and manually in sex books.
Do research live on her with a night set aside for learning. Tell her you want nothing in return that night—only to learn how to please her. Porn is an unrealistic teacher of technique often emphasizing intercourse. Only 15 to 20 percent do; but percent of ambulatory disease-free women can climax from adequate clitoral stimulation read: Follow me on Facebook on LaurieWatson.
Harvard University Press,