Tree House Posted on: March 23rd, It started when i was 9. He physically abused my brother and I when we were younger so I sometimes believe this all happened because he was trying to cope? Anyways, it started slowly, my brother called me into his room to look a naked pictures of girls, he also printed them.
He was only A couple days later he asked me if knew what masturbation was. He took me up stairs and laid on the ground and touched him self. The next day he came into my room while i was playing dolls. I asked him if he wanted to play and he said sure, instead he asked me if wanted to play house.
I agreed and started to play with my baby doll. I was aware of what sex was because my father made my brother and I watch porn. He told me to come to the tree house with him. We went up and he pulled down his pants. He told me that its fun and that we can be mommy and daddy after. He pushed me up against the tree and started to rub himself on me. It went on for a long time. I remember thinking that what he was doing was wrong but he kept telling me it was right. As he was rubbing himself on me he ended up missing and hitting the tree and his penis started to bleed.
He told me to take off my underwear to wipe the blood off. He threw them far into the forest and than started again. This time I could feel it more, I knew he was inside me but he finished and than told me that if I ever say anything he would kill me and mom would never talk to me again.
I was always a quiet kid. I never said a word, it was my brother who told my grandma about my father. But when I got into grade 7, things slowly changed. My brother moved out a couple years ago and moved back with my father. I got depressed, I was being bullied and I felt very bad about myself. For the first time in my life I balled my eyes out because the flash backs of what my brother did felt so real. I stayed quite until one day I was with my best friend and completely fell apart.
She told me that I needed to get help. I felt so alone, I wanted to get help but I was so scared. Until grade 9, I threw a party at my house. I got very drunk and ended up giving oral sex to 2 boys.
Shortly after someone called the police and everyone ran. I was just sitting inside balling my eyes out. I remember looking at him and I told him that I was going to kill myself, I told him about what my brother did, and I told him that I was disguising for what I did that night. I was taken to the hospital and I remember regretting what I told the police officer. I was so scared until a therapist came to talk to me.
I told her everything. I ended up staying in the hospital for a week but I still found it hard to talk about. I guess my problem is, is that I keep quite. How do I speak up? The flash backs are getting worse. That takes a lot of courage and strength. What happened to you is not your fault and your reactions are completely normal!
I think it is helpful for survivors to understand that healing from sexual trauma can take a really long time and that each person takes their own journey in their own time. So, if you have t spoken up to your therapist yet, that is perfectly okay. You asked, how you can speak up and a few things come to my mind. First, there is nothing for you to feel shame about. You did nothing wrong and the shame is not yours to carry.
Second, and I admit that I am stealing this from Linor , the worst has already happened. Three, you are stronger than you know and braver than you realize and you will know when the time is right for you to speak out. Finally, you are so much more than what happened to you. You are beautiful inside and out and you do not have to be defined by this. I hope that this knowledge helps you to keep speaking out! When flashbacks sideswipe you, try to remember that you are safe and that darkness always comes before light.
I promise you, healing is possible.