Contact Author Source Let's be upfront: We're assuming that you're a woman, of course. If you're a man, and you think your boyfriend might be gay, then The good news is that your boyfriend or husband is likely not gay at all.
It's actually pretty common for a woman to question her man's sexuality for reasons that have nothing to do with his preferences, and this could be your situation! On the other hand, your boyfriend or husband might indeed be gay. How can you really tell, though? How do you separate the real signs that your boyfriend is gay from the red herrings?
According to a book by former Google data scientist Seth Stephens-Davidowitz, search results show that women worry about this even more than if their husband is cheating on them. What Is Sexual Orientation? A person's orientation is nothing more than the tendency to be physically attracted to males, females, both, or neither.
This can be stable over time, or sometimes fluid. There are lots of stereotypes surrounding gay people, but it really just comes down to the fact that they like the same gender.
Even having sexual encounters with other men does not necessarily mean a man is gay. In one study, the number of people who had had sexual experiences with people of the same gender were twice as many as the number who considered themselves gay or bisexual.
To complicate things further, you can have a mixture of attractions to the same gender, when it comes to both physical and emotional intimacy. Every individual is a minefield of random quirks and desires. What does this all mean, though? He wants to put things in the "back door. If anything, be flattered that he's comfortable enough to try new things with you.
Also, it is a common misconception that all gay men are into this kind of thing or that the act is inherently gay. In fact, a lot of gay guys don't do this at all. He wants to get spicy in the bedroom. Again, he might just want to add some excitement to your sex life.
He has had sex with men. I know, I know! But bear with me here. Being effeminate or showing interest in his personal appearance.
This is just a stereotype basically. This has nothing to do with appearance, mannerisms, or fashion choices. Those are just the ones you tend to notice. Furthermore, I personally know several effeminate straight men. On the other hand, here are some signs that are better indicators that your boyfriend might actually have a preference for men: Most men frequently think about sex and unconsciously look at attractive people.
It's not even deliberate most of the time—it's just a reflex. If an attractive woman with a rack that she can use as a shelf saunters by in a skimpy outfit and your boyfriend simply yawns and doesn't even seem to notice her, this might be a red flag that he's not into women.
Straight men never had youthful noticings, or rarely had them. Even openly gay men know better than to ogle men in public, considering the negative social consequences. If you're a guy who is interested in other guys, a tiny "look" is enough. Next time you're with your man, watch for this look if an attractive man walks by.
Pay attention to where his eyes are pointed. Did a shirtless guy just walk by, and he quickly raked his eyes up and down the guy's six-pack? Did he steal a look at his crotch? Another thing to watch out for is eye contact. Just as you might look at a man that you like and there's a brief exchange of energy there between you and him, the same is true for a gay or bi guy when he interacts with a man he likes, even briefly.
Did he seem to meet eyes with another man and it lasted a little too long? Men who live in Western countries, like those of North America and Europe, usually won't make prolonged eye contact with other men, unless they're about to fight or about to get it on or both. According to Joe Kort, a psychotherapist specializing in gender and sexuality, the beach test is usually a good way to sort this one out.
This is usually how gay men feel. Now, it could be that he's just very secure in his masculinity, since there's nothing inherently gay with hugging other guys, but the fact that he has to go against social norms to do this speaks volumes. Western guys tend to show their affection for each other more with playful wrestling or fighting, if anything. However, if your boyfriend is from a non-English-speaking culture, especially South Asia, East Asian, or the Middle East, it's actually not that unusual in certain countries for men to embrace, kiss, or even walk down the street holding hands.
This doesn't mean he's necessarily gay. But if your boyfriend actively hates gay men even if they have never done anything to him and never speak to him, then this is extremely telling. You've probably heard loads of stories about anti-gay preachers who were later discovered to be trolling gay hookup sites. Many times, a man who hates the fact that he likes other men will take it out on gay people and treat them badly. At the very least, it's not unusual for a guy who is denying his sexuality to fear coming into contact with people who are living with their gayness freely.
Watch him closely next time he is around gay men. Does he act weird? Homophobia is one of the biggest signs that your boyfriend or husband might be questioning his sexuality. Does he ask a lot of questions about them? Does he seem interested in how they came out to their parents, or what other people's reactions were?
Similarly, does he bring up people's sexuality a lot? Does he talk about how this or that person at his job turned out to be gay? Does he mention gay family members of his a lot? He may be interested because he himself is gay or bisexual, but may not know it yet, or simply doesn't know how to express it. Of course, if he only talks about these things occasionally, he could just be a curious guy. Human beings like to gossip about the sexuality of others. For one, your boyfriend could be asexual or he might just not be attracted to you anymore for a variety of reasons.
People change and so do their tastes. However, if he never really seemed that into touching you, even in the beginning of your relationship when you're supposed to be in a honeymoon period, then something is probably wrong. This sign by itself doesn't mean he's gay, but coupled with some of the other signs, it can be telling. Also keep in mind that an absence of this sign doesn't always mean he's not into men, either.
In other words, he could be mostly gay, but enjoy sex with women to some extent—or he could be bisexual but more on that later. Sex in the relationship might have died down for many other factors as well — including other relationship problems, work schedules, boredom, and so on. You also notice that a lot of them seem gay.
Maybe you notice that a lot of them aren't mutual friends with you, and in fact you had no idea that he knew these people. Even worse, if you discover that he has more than one account and has been hiding one from you, this is a definite sign that there's something he isn't telling you. If you notice that his second account has a friends list filled with dozens of strange men, then this is extremely suspicious and you should consider confronting him on this alone.
Finally--and worst of all--if you find out that he has a profile on a gay dating site, then this is a glaring, giant, neon sign. Obviously, this one seals the deal.
No man joins a gay dating app or site "just for laughs. The paranoia will drive you crazy. The fact that it is with a man is secondary. He has breached your trust. You might feel differently, of course. The sooner you just talk to your boyfriend about it, the better.
This will help establish the difference between reality and the stories that your mind might have concocted. Even that person himself may not know. See below, about bisexual guys. There is still a huge stigma against being gay. He might not have the courage to come out or he may even be in denial. The Silent Minority Your boyfriend could also be bisexual. Many people dismiss this notion and just assume that any man who likes other men must be gay, but that's simply not true.
There are plenty of men who are bisexual. They are just less willing to admit it than women are—for obvious reasons. If the fact that he's bi doesn't bother you and he isn't cheating , then there's probably no reason to confront him about it unless you're willing to embarrass him. We all have our random sexual preferences, and you're probably dreaming if you think that those preferences begin and end with you. His being attracted to both men and women is no different than if he was into blondes as well as redheads.