Because that's what men want, right? Hey, are you emasculated by the fact that you have to iron your own clothes? Because that's ladies' work? You need this badass iron for men marketed by Philips. They then form a protective garrison of metal bars and balls across your armpit: It's the Iron Curtain of BO. Holy shit, the warning label on this stuff must be a foot long! Aim this deodorant at the family dog and all that will remain is a smoking hole in the carpet. There's nothing feminine or masculine about it, technically speaking.
Yes, yogurt might have some properties that are particularly beneficial to women, but the yogurt itself is vaginaless. Yet somewhere along the line, somebody figured out that most yogurt customers are women, so they've decided that the eating of yogurt must be the bloodiest battlefield in the war of the sexes.
Yogurt ads aimed at women portray them celebrating their sisterhood by gathering to have a group yogurt eat , with men hilariously confused by the mere concept of flavored yogurt.
You wouldn't understand it. Continue Reading Below Continue Reading Below Advertisement So now, if you want men to spend any of their money on a product that at this point is the equivalent of dairy tampons, you need to dress that shit up.
Just ask the Mammoth Supply Co. Apparently, the only way men will have the balls to ingest fermented milk is if they play it up like it's bear guts "Thick and chunky and built to tame a man's hunger".
Meanwhile, everything has to come in bacon flavor now, because bacon is man food, apparently having become the male version of yogurt Continue Reading Below Advertisement They have incredibly simple and unrefined tastes, like little kids. They only like smoked meats, cheese and beer. So even if you're a cupcake maker, you have to put out a line of bacon-, beer- and cheese-flavored cupcakes: Oh, and it's served on a football field? Because all men like football, we guess?
If you want to tap into the male market, you need manly flavors -- like "bacon," "fresh grass" and, no kidding, "dirt. But the whole bacon thing brings on another point We now know that eating a ton of red meat will get you a quick ticket to Coffintown, but apparently this trend has made all of the world's males fear for their balls.
Food marketers are here to help. When the food arrives, leafy green and in tiny portions, he makes a stand and takes off for Burger King, claiming that he's "way too hungry for chick food.
Dozens of starved men join the mob in an orgy of violence and song -- and in search of Burger King. Yes, it's just a joke -- but it's one that only works if "Is my food manly enough?
Wait, are they confusing "man" with "douchebag"? That would explain so much. Continue Reading Below Advertisement And manly food means two things: It's quantity over quality all the way, since men are apparently like huge farm animals that just eat the biggest pile of edible matter they can find. See this Hungry Man commercial , where men eating yogurt and Jamba Juice, or whatever it is they're consuming in the commercial, are accused of being straight up women.
The accusation, by the way, comes in the form of the men taking a trip to the bathroom together, so you know we're dealing with some subtle marketers. The part about a ton of chicken being better than girl foods? Blended fruit is for pussies.
Continue Reading Below Advertisement This of course becomes a problem when the man's doctor gives him the "You need to lose pounds or else you will die" speech. How do you convince a guy to start dieting when giving up huge burgers literally means his genitals will retreat into his body? Well, if you're Nutrisystem, you put football players in the ads and assure him that the diet will let him eat "man food. Continue Reading Below Advertisement Otherwise, any time you're dealing with healthy stuff, men have got to be bamboozled into eating it.
Like when Fiber One slaps some chocolate on their wood chip bars and tells him it's candy. And hey, have you ever wondered why products like Coke Zero exist, when Diet Coke is already a thing? It's because the word "diet" is too feminine , because dieting is something only chicks do. So they invented completely separate lines of low-calorie colas with manly sounding names like "Pepsi Max" and gave them manly, black cans: Continue Reading Below Advertisement Now there's a diet cola that will let everyone in the vicinity know that you have one hell of a penis.
It's an inside joke about the fact that dudes won't drink a sugar-free soda unless they spend millions giving it a new name and can just so people won't think you're a girl. Hell, maybe they're right. They presumably wouldn't do any of this otherwise. Don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get sexy, sexy jokes sent straight to your news feed.
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